Age of the Geek, Baby (lorax) wrote,
Age of the Geek, Baby
lorax

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I barely remember writing this last night . . . .

In the wake of last posts random squeeing, I bring you . . . a list brought on by insomnia.

THINGS I JUST DON'T GET
(Note that these are just my opinions and are not meant as a slight to anyone who DOES get and squee about such things. Except maleficently. Because Transformers suck and she encouraged a bunny of doom.)
1. Transformers - They are ROBOTS. Robots are BORING. They all LOOKED THE SAME and when they didn't, they were *cars*. It's like Nascar if the cars talked and fought. Only not the funny Pixar version. Also - Michael Bay movies are such dreck. Giant Robots will not change this fact. I'm sorry. I realize that Transformers are a cherished part of your childhood. But Michael Bay urinating explosions onto it will not help it. I weep for your childhood nostalgia. And tremble in fear that one day She-Ra the movie will sound like a good idea. (They are already making a He-Man movie. Someone failed to tell them that it was Dolphinated back when Max Headroom was the shit.) And finally, in reference to the movie - Shia. You are not tough. Please stop letting Michael Bay fling dirt and debris at you in an effort to morph into an action star. I like you. I really do. But you're testing me.

2. Pirates - Okay. I like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I saw the third the other day, had a good time. Had some quibbles but such is true of any movie and generally the only time I DON'T have some comment to make is when I don't care enough to invest at all. So yes. Pirates movies, yay. Johnny Depp Yeah. Orlando, you're not my kind of eye candy but a lot of people seem to appreciate you and while future generations will never point to you and say "There is a true master of his craft" (unless it's followed by "his craft involving only three expressions ever"), you are not horrific enough that I want to spork my eyeballs, so well done. Kiera, I want to shove sammiches at and tell that "Shrill" does not equal "strong female" but I can work with it. Pirates in general however, outside of movies? Are boring. They are all on a boat and probably ridden with scurvy, unbathed and uneducated and prone to running out onto shores and raping and pillaging and burning. I live in Florida. I lived in Tampa most of my life. It is a pirate town. We have Gasparilla every year where we celebrate when the pirates came to town to murder and leave a wake of rape and despair and tiny babies with eye-patches born out of wedlock, and then apparently founded a football team. There's a parade. Really. I've been on a float. But pirates are not romantic. They are the carjackers of the sea. Errol Flynn was wrong. And gay as blazes according to my cousin.

3. Zombies - Zombie movies have rotting corpses that walk. Usually very slowly. Paint drying is more interesting. And paint doesn't flake off as much as skin, so it seems. The zombie-thing in the journals yesterday was fun, don't get me wrong. I meant to post something too. But didn't. Because the zombies outside distracted me and I had to go whack them with the pool skimmer so they wouldn't try to eat the horses' brains. Of course when they realized the Clydesdale's doesn't have any anyway, they went to my neighbors so it's okay. (You see what I did there? I got in, even though it was late.) But yes. Zombies. Zombies are dull and gross and there is a sequel to a Cillian Murphy zombie movie out that lacks the Cillian Murphy. (also apparently the director, the cast, the special effects people, and the watchability. Possibly the zombies too. I hear the budget was hacked. They just have a little undead rat wobbling about with glued on oatmeal to look scabby.) This eliminates the main point of the movie, which was, to me, to combat the zombies with something blindingly pretty. I sometimes don't think Cillian Murphy is human. He looks like someone an alien would have crafted to dazzle humans into compliance. But I digress. Zombies=incredibly uninteresting.

4. American Idol And All Its Clones - Yes, I watched the first season. it was different and some of the people could actually sing and Justin Guarini's hair defied the laws of physics, so it was watchable. And I watched most of the second season because of that girl whose voice I liked - and still do like, though I don't like anything I've heard that she recorded. But after that, my will broke. Almost my patience and my ability to withstand bad audition tapes and bland covers of classic songs. American Idol is the great juggernaut of TV now. It's on, by conservative estimate, 8 times a week. And they show ten million special episodes that showcase people making fools of themselves. Please. Stop watching. If you keep watching, they'll keep showing it and the bad will KEEP COMING. And I can't get my parents to stop watching which means some of it filters into my cerebral cortex. Do you want to make my cerebral cortex cry? (Please note that Jennifer Hudson is forgiven her American Idol roots.)

5. Lost - Granted I do not watch the show, so thus this is mostly a bitter outcry against not having seen it and pouting because now I can't catch up. But THEY'RE ON AN ISLAND. HOW COMPELLING CAN IT BE AND STILL BE BELIEVABLE? They should all be chatting with Wilson now.

6. Ship Names - Why. Just why? Why is it so hard to write out Snape/Harry? (I will refrain from ranting about why Snape should go without sex for the rest of his greasy life, knowing only the love of his own hand because he is a child-tormenting, verbally abusive asshat. See how much self restraint I have? There are so many lovely, talented people who ship Snape ships and I wouldn't want to offend them at all after all. Even if he is a fuckwit. *hides*) But really . . . Snarry? Snupin? Rayne? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE JUST TYPE THE NAMES. It hurts to see the ship names. Physical pain. It makes me think of that aunt that everyone has in movies who pinches cheeks and asks how her little snookums wookums is and you can't tell if she's talking about a child, a dog, or the guard who oversees her padded cell at the asylum. Why must we shorten things that do not need shortening?

7. Gaspard Ulliel - He is the new face of choice in every game EVER. I don't get it. He looks like a rabid rodent of some sort. The kind that look at you all crosseyed and you you want to threaten it with pesticide before it bites you. I do not have to approve of every person ever iconed of course - although it would be nice - but he is seriously omnipresent in a way that makes me want to track him down and threaten him on pain of death never to do another movie or photoshoot ever. There are others I feel this way about, but this is the one bugging me at the moment.

8. Vagina Bashing - Most of fandom possess one of these things. They're lovely, really. Sometimes messy, yes, but still. They're a possession to be proud of in general. And while those who have them are, shockingly enough, people and thus there is a large majority of them who are astonishingly annoying - vagina does not equal evil. Really. If you want two pretty boys to have pretty boy sex and one happens to have a girlfriend, or both do, it is not necessary to make them the bitchiest bitch in bitchville to facilitate your choice. Honest. There are LOTS of ways around canon significant others that don't include girlfriends with a raging need for midol 24/7. And if that's your honest opinion of how all women are - then honey, you need a little less self-loathing in your life. And if you are that rarest of all birds, a fandom male, and that your opinion of how women are - then you need a kick to the balls. Which will probably be counter productive, but at least I would feel better. I seriously do not get why so many people in fandom have such loathing for the majority of female characters. Sure there's some I hate (Paging Dr. Cameron), but for the most part - I love neat chicks. Or kick ass chicks or clever chicks or chicks who want to rearrange your internal organs for calling them "chicks". Embrace your fellow women, ladies! Except Cameron.

9. Doctor Who - I'm just fucking with you. I totally get it. SO ADDICTED. And completely out of episodes. Woe!

10. Lists that Always Go to Ten - Actually this is just where I fell asleep. Which is why this did not get posted last night. But still. Ten is a padded number!
Tags: funnies
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