Age of the Geek, Baby (lorax) wrote,
Age of the Geek, Baby
lorax

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Our house is too blasphemous to allow small children

So. I wish to relay the story of a family tradition.

Every year, we have to play Spot the Porn.

My dad usually arranges the various Christmas figurines, statues, decorations, etc. We do the tree and help him a bit, but mostly he does it himself.

My dad is a very creative man. It started about seven years ago when we noticed that a dewy-eyed Angelic statue was arranged oddly in front of a Santa Claus and a Nutcracker, whose hands were joined. Near them was a little Snow Baby who had had a cushion taped to his hands as if he were a ring bearer.

That's right. Santa and the Nutcracker were having a gay wedding ceremony.

We all laughed and mom moved them back to their proper positions. Two days later, we were witness to the honeymoon. It was . . . . interesting. Santa had a whip.

And thus it began. Santa and the Nutcracker usually take a starring role, but there are frequent variations. His crowing achievement was when my gay uncle visited for the holidays and Santa - who happens to be waist high to the Nutcracker was giving Nutty a blowjob.

My dad had pasted a wide paper grin and moving "googly eyes" on the Nutcracker to show he was having a *very* good time.

My uncle was the first to notice it and I seriously thought my dad was going to rupture something laughing.

This year there are various small porny bits. Rudolph is doing something obscene to Frosty. Homer Simpson in a Santa Suit (What can I say, we live for cheesy decorations) was touching the Special Places of a Mrs. Claus.

But this year's main project was surprisingly not filthy. It was This.

Yes. He PRINTED OUT pictures of guns and taped them to the Nutcracker's hands. The three being "held up" are nailed to the wall. (I thought it was a Stuffed Animal Crucification at first and was a little creeped out.) Santa's other hand that can't be seen is the one that's molesting Mrs. Claus.

To anyone who claims me insane, all I can do is point to the genetic source material.

And ya know, one year my sister and me replaced all the figurines in the nativity with Simpsons Halloween figures. And WE got called blasphemous by my mom. Clearly it's alright to have gratuitous sex, just not religious parody. Clearly mom does not take rating advice from the MPAA

E.T.A. - Picture link has now been edited so that it links to a version of the picture that has his goofy caption on it, because he pouted when I said I'd put up the picture without the caption. The big dork.
Tags: funnies
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